If I make a wish for my memories to fade
on the wisps of a seed taken on the wind,
will they find their way on the back of
butterfly wings and spread like weeds in
someone else’s pasture?
What incurs a sense of self?
An undeniable certainty that we know who we are?
Or is it the awareness that we constantly grow and
change around a single glowing core?
The energy of this core pulsing with the want,
the need to shine, always for something more.
To look behind and feel a sense of regret
is to wallow in the archaic self.
A past wrought with choices that cannot
be undone or remade.
But to look behind and acknowledge,
Feel empathy for our shadow self
and remember that the energy
of past memories reverberates;
the echoes carrying through time,
enveloping us in
Remember, and move forward.
Otherwise we could trip
on what we didn’t see
in front, before, ahead.
I have been thinking a lot about how I wanted to respond to the conveyor belt of news articles regarding sexual harassment, sex offenders, and the #metoo movement. The climate is shifting, the air is charged with exhilaration and relief, as well as tension and fear. A person can no longer go onto social media or even walk through the work place without hearing a reference to the latest accusation.
A new year, a clean slate;
there is real magic in the way one new day out
of 365 days turns into a
whole new year of possibilities.
It’s Monday and I have that same thought I’ve had for the last several weeks… I have too much to do. When this thought passes through my brain, I find that I am extremely unproductive with my time. I find myself looking at articles, rechecking my personal email, and slipping in a game of sudoku to “take my mind off work.” These things done in moderation can be effective, but done obsessively do nothing to decrease the workload.
Some researchers have come up with theories, methods, and fancy vocabulary to describe this action. “Overworking Anxiety” or “workload paralysis.” To say these words makes it sound almost acceptable; as if there is a reason I am not doing what I need to do and it makes it okay. The first rule of mindfulness is being honest, and the honest truth is: I am getting in my own way. I am self-sabotaging my work and hating myself for not being more accountable.
Source: The Adoption: A Limerick Memoir
#WindbackWednesday. I wrote this about my adoption, and after speaking with my mother today, felt pretty sentimental. Adoption causes so many thoughts, emotions, identities. Some days I am an only child, and other days I have 3 siblings. Some days I have a small family of 4, and other days my family is so big I can’t count. My identity is fluid on any given day, and these questions in a conversation always leave me caught between the honest answer and the socially acceptable answer:
Where do you come from?
Where is your dad?
Why were you adopted?
What is your heritage?
Who are you?
Do you have siblings?
For some reason, I hiccup on each of these questions. Adoption awareness is important. I won’t dive deeper in this post, but I will say that I hope you enjoy this poem. It is a lyrical limerick reflecting on the most pivotal moment of my life.
Today as I was walking from my car at the gas pump into the store, a man who was driving by me rolled down his window and made retching sounds like he was going to vomit. He then laughed, rolled up his window, and drove away.
The Serenity Blog Award is awarded to the authors of blogs whose goal is to spread peace and unity through love and respect, while shining light on important topics.
Feminine Vestige has been nominated for the serenity award and I am honored. I write about women because as a woman, I believe it is fundamental to write about my experience to connect with others, help others, and educate others. I write about love because love is what grounds and centers me. It is how I relate to this crazy world, and how I can live with my experiences in the past without crumbling into pieces. I write because it is the best way I know how to express my thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences. Through words, I know I can make a difference. My voice is my most useful and loud tool, and I intend to use it to spread peace, love, and awareness to those issues that many are afraid to touch.
Thanks to the Serenity team for finding peace, love, and respect through my words.
“Peace to you, from my heart to your heart.”
For the longest time, the phrase I heard the most growing up is “Sarah, you are not the center of the universe.” I am sure every teenager has heard a similar phrase. Young people are selfish, self-centered, and believe the world revolves around them. I remember my retorts as well – ‘I can’t help how I feel!’ or ‘but this isn’t about me. Not really.’
Now as an adult navigating the world, I often find myself sitting and reflecting on what my center is. What is the center of my universe if not myself? I do not have children as of yet and I was raised with a very strong virtue that I never let a man, regardless of my love for him, be the center of my universe. My mother, god bless her, has a very strong conviction and belief that not everything works out the way we hope it will. This is a result of a lifetime of health problems. This is the result of her own relationships gone awry. This is the result of being a single mother of an adopted and challenging daughter.
So I sit here and ruminate – if not myself and not my lover, what is the center of my universe? Perhaps that’s not the correct question. Maybe it should be phrased, what is my center? Or perhaps, what centers me? All three of those questions are asking the same thing, but I would give very different answers for each one.